How To Make The Beast Beautiful
Have you ever looked back at something that once consumed and overpowered your life, and felt gratitude? I mean, really look back at something that previously held you hostage—and felt love for what you learned from it. This is how I now feel about the anxiety that reared its beautiful head (yes beautiful, and you will understand why soon) and made me dread moving through the motions of my day. The anxiety that had caused me to pull my car off the road when it would peak so I could collect myself. The same anxiety that no one knew existed when they looked at me, but was all I saw in the mirror when I looked at myself. The anxiety that made me question how I could be the spiritual person I am when I was scared and worried of something I couldn’t name.
“Everything great is birthed through discomfort.”
In my last blog, I shared that I went to my functional medicine doctor to get to the root cause of why I was feeling anxious, determined to get my mental health and life back. I had never experienced anxiety for a prolonged duration or with such intensity. I had experienced the “normal type” before, that was situational and temporary. It stayed for a limited timeframe, generally kept me alert and safe, and helped me perform my best in stressful situations. I was convinced what I was currently experiencing emanated from something deeper, and perhaps physiological, so took series of medical tests to get to the bottom of it.
The results confirmed I had SIBO (Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth), which is a digestive disease that alters the gut microbiome and often causes digestive symptoms—but can also cause anxiety. I was so relieved to have a diagnosis and begin a protocol to eradicate the SIBO. But I knew that there was more for me to uncover about how I got to such a low point.
What I didn’t share in my last post was the tremendous stress I had put myself through before and during the pandemic. While I was doing work I love and am passionate about, I overdid it. I achieved four new professional certifications (ironically, one in gut health), officially launched my coaching practice, took a board exam, cared for three children with erratic schedules of virtual and in-person learning, stepped in for a partner who traveled abroad during the pandemic, and felt completely unsupported and overwhelmed.
I know many people endured some of the same struggles during the pandemic. No matter how much self-care I practiced, the load and stress I was carrying crushed me, destroying my gut, and the major symptom was anxiety.
During this time, I was gifted the book, “First we Make the Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety” by Sarah Wilson. Initially, I was unable to read the book because reading about anxiety made me more anxious. As I started to heal and feel more like myself, I picked the book up again and didn’t put it down till I turned the last page. While the source of my anxiety did not have the same pathology as the author, who has bipolar disorder, depression, and a host of other health and mental health issues, there were some synchronicities.
Wilson wrote her book to start a new conversation about anxiety, share her journey, and offer some anxiety coping mechanisms, such as deep belly breathing, meditation, walking, yoga, eating clean, reducing caffeine, immersion in nature, and changing up your routine. All of these things I practice, and some I even teach. What was new to me was Wilson’s invitation to look at anxiety as a gift.
The title is inspired by a Chinese proverb that says instead of trying to manage the beast, in this case anxiety, forging a new relationship with it and learning to honor and finding a spiritual connection with it is also an option. The anxiety beast deserves more reverence than the way it is treated by modern medicine. When you can see the beauty in it and appreciate it, it allows for a more peaceful existence. Through this process, the beast becomes a part of our being rather than an all-consuming monster that needs to be defeated. Wilson says “I believe with all my heart that understanding the meta-purpose of the anxious struggle helps to make it beautiful. Purposeful, creative, bold, rich deep things are always beautiful.” This reframe for anxiety is empowering. Instead of it leaving you broken, anxiety can be a catalyst for opportunity to connect with yourself.
What I learned from my own experience and Wilson’s book is that the only way out is to go through it with grace. I realized the benefit in going to the darkest places the anxiety takes you is that there is valuable information there. My relationship with my anxiety was fear based. I was crippled by it. I dreaded driving, choosing not to for a period of time because I was scared that I would have to pull the car over and deal with myself. Today, I have a new perspective. When and if my anxiety will resurface, I will ask: what is it telling me about how I am I living? And what is it here to teach me? This self-inquiry was a pivot for me because in the throes of it, all I wanted was to survive it, push it away, and hide.
Today, when I drive past places or things that had once triggered my anxiety I gently smile and feel gratitude for where I am now. Instead of a PTSD response, I remind myself that I am safe, I am well, and I am whole. While my beautiful beast is tamed for now, I know it still lives in me. When and if she resurfaces I will welcome her. I am grateful to be on the other side, knowing that my dialogue with anxiety is applicable to other challenges that present themselves in my life. I have brought this reframe to my clients when they share about their beast—and together we find a way to make their beast beautiful. Time and time again, I am reminded that there is always a breakthrough after a breakdown. And everything great IS truly birthed through discomfort.