Want real, lasting change? It’s time to get mad
When you hear the word anger, what do you imagine? A big, burly guy on a football field cursing at the ref? Two testosterone-fueled guys in a dive bar coming to blows over a pool table? Now try connecting the feeling of anger to yourself. Notice how this feels within your body. Do you feel uncomfortable, like you want to push the anger away, replace it with something more safe-sadness, perhaps? Do you feel a deep sense of shame? Do you feel somehow less…pretty or feminine? You’re not alone. Many, many women feel intensely uncomfortable with the emotion of anger. In fact, I’d go as far as to say most of us do. After all, we’ve been conditioned this way since we first stomped our little feet in a real, raw, red toddler rage.
Anger: The catalyst for change
But what if I told you anger can be supportive? That it can be the catalyst you so desperately crave for real, lasting change? Because despite what women have been conditioned to think, the concept of constructive anger has gained support from researchers as having a healthy role in our lives. That’s because as part of our fight-or-flight trauma response, anger is often the impetus for motivation and action. I’ve seen anger catapult clients to reach their goals faster. I’ve seen it push them to fix the things that aren’t working in their life and make it right. I’ve seen them realize what needs to be done to get out of a toxic pattern or relationship.
Anger is informative
Whenever anger bubbles up, your first course of action is to check which of your boundaries has been crossed. Because anger is a tool that protects us from abandoning ourselves. That’s why, whenever our values are out of whack with the situation we face, anger will rise up like a super protective mama bear, reminding us-hey, this isn’t what you stand for! Quick-check in with your deep-seated beliefs and values!
If anger is so great, why can’t I feel it?
Often, women bypass the emotion of anger. This emotion feels shameful and uncomfortable. Despite its ability to catalyze change, it’s rarely invited in as a healthy emotion because it can be raw and unpretty, so we’ve been conditioned to tuck it away. The problem is, suppressed anger will eventually spill over into other parts of our lives, making it impossible to fully heal and feel whole. I’ve had a front row seat to the harm it causes when anger isn’t processed and expressed through our body. And studies support my observations: Anger creates inner tension, which can cause a wide range of dis-ease and disease. Anxiety, indigestion, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, frequent migraines and even cancer can all stem from unexpressed anger. That’s why an embodied woman owns her anger, is attuned to it, and harnesses it in a healthy and productive way.
Feel it to heal it: Mira’s story
My client Mira’s relationship to anger is a great example of how a narrative can change once a woman acknowledges and releases her anger. The good news is: Mira became unstuck and felt empowered. I witnessed Mira grow in ways that were extraordinary, with deep reverence for herself. She physically started to feel better as well. The migraines she experienced started to dissipate. She handled herself during the hardest moment of her life with discernment for what were her values and needs, as opposed to accepting someone else’s being dumped on her.
Mira met her husband when she was in college and was married by 26. She was deeply in love and felt lucky to have met her soul mate. She supported his ascent to success in finance and chose to give up her career to be hands on and raise their children. She was the idyllic partner and mother. As her kids grew up and became more independent, a loss of identity and purpose began to surface. Mira had been everything to everyone and in the process her own dreams, needs, and desires were shelved. She shared that she felt so deeply lost and didn’t know who she was anymore.
Next came the discovery that her husband, who she felt disconnected from, had been having an affair. Mira’s life blew up and there was no going back. Initially there was a lot of, “why did this happen TO me?” but over time we shifted to, “how is this happening FOR me?”
Mira tried to bypass the anger she felt for the betrayal and dishonoring. Instead, she went to feeling sadness and grief because it felt safe and familiar. She even tried blaming herself for not keeping her marriage interesting and exciting. I guided Mira to look below her sadness and grief to find what was under it and that’s when she discovered her anger. The revelation was that she was angry at herself. She was angry that she abandoned herself all those years being everything to everyone else and now she was left with nothing to show for it. She was angry that she didn’t listen to her intuition that something was deeply wrong in her marriage. She was angry that she was complicit in a dynamic with her children who had taken her for granted. Once we explored and allowed the anger to be seen, felt, and bubble up, she was able to move through the next emotion of grief for the loss of the life she thought she had.
From the rupture came her rapture and we created a plan and manifesto for the woman she was becoming. Mira emerged like a magnificent phoenix. She became more assertive, creative, innovative, and motivated to live the life she knew she deserved and desired. She committed to never letting another moment go by that was not aligned with her values and fueled by her pleasure. Her years of being the 3 Ps – passive, pleaser and perfectionist - were in the rear-view mirror. She let go of her tendency to over give as a caregiver and nurturer and turned her gift giving in towards herself in a healthy way.
What is your relationship with anger?
Do you allow it to be seen, felt, and experienced in your body? Or do you push it away, wrapping it in a more ‘acceptable’ emotion like sadness or guilt? When we allow anger to take its rightful place in our lives, it can be the catalyst for powerful change, leading the way to a life that’s aligned to your deepest values.